For my two bobs worth - I read your post, Atomicc, and wondered why on earth you were calling yourself "a monster" just for fantasizing about getting tender, caring attention?! And I was kind of identifying too ... I've had many, more fleeting "morbid fantasies" of something dreadful happening that allows me to really sob on the shoulder of someone who would be focused on giving me comfort etc. And I agree with Truth in Ruin that it would make sense for we BPDs because, for me anyway, often the emotional suffering is so much worse than others deem to be warranted so we're double alone in it ...why wouldn't we be attracted to having some "legitimate" cause for sympathy and patient attention?