Thank you so much for your input guys, at least someone to listen is better than internalizing. I am staying on the only safe medications I can take. Unfortunately, they are not enough. I am in a no win. I want to have a baby so there is a double edged sword at work here which is going to make things worse. I don't know about you, but I am my own worst enemy. I can't see the doctor for a while she is away and there is noone covering and I refuse going back to a mental hospital. Really, if I can't exist in this life, the hospital is not an option. Thanks again