Oh Pilatus, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I have been through what you are going through now. Depression is a physical illness and it needs medical attention just like a broken arm does. I hope you will consider going to your doctor or an emergency room, if need be. I myself was taken to an emergency room where I got the help I needed. Please find the energy to reach out to someone who can help you feel better. You deserve it. We're all behind you.
Okie