So.. Out of all the topics and posts I've made on this site, this one is the most embarrasing for some reason. Lovely.

Anyway.. I am 21 years old and I'm a virgin. I know that's not super old or anything, but literally no one I actually know who's also my age is a virgin anymore.

And I think it's really standing in the way when it comes to me and dating.

I mean, the reason why I've never "done it" is because I haven't been in a proper relationship. And right now it feels like it's beginning to turn into something vice versa.

Whenever I meet a guy, I kind of push them away immediately becaus my mind automatically starts thinking like "what if he tries something and I'm not ready and how long is he willing to wait and what will he think if he finds out" and just all sorts of ****.

Now, I actually went out with this one guy who was just great. And I wasn't that nervous. Probably because he was a bit older and a serious gentleman, so I really don't think he would've minded if he had found out. I actually thought that I want to kiss him. Which never really happens because well kissing can lead to places so I usually just.. don't.

So based on that experience, I know that the "cycle" can be broken.

And yet I'm still.. Idk.. Not ready to date.

And I know you are all probably gonna say that "the right guy will wait" and that "You should wait until you feel ready" but on EVERY OTHER level, I am ready. I just can't get over that little annoying voice in my hed that freaks out every time a guy looks at me. I just sometimes feel like I should have a random one night stand just so I'd have that out of the way and I know that it's wrong to think that, but it just bothers me so much. It's not even that I value my virginity super bad and I want it to be realllly special. I just feel so unexperienced in every way and this little extra thing is really not helping.