Me, I must be a monster too(?)

Admittedly, these scenarios have played out less in my head the last 4yrs since my brother was murdered , but yes, I do imagine getting hurt, attacked, and whatnot, as well as the ensuing love and caring I will recieve because of it. The thought of how my brother was actually hacked to death keeps me from indulging though, not out of guilt or shame, but fear of a self-fullfilling prophecy...

More embarrassingly though? They have taken a new twist and I indulge in them when my bf and I are arguing, like when I think "its over"... ( please bare in mind that I'm scared shytless he'll leave so I every argument feels like the end ... )

Then I imagine the most gruesome ways I could get hurt and how sorry he will be that he wasn't there to protect me, and how when he comes to take care of me I will reject him, or welcome him with open arms... Or I die gruesomely and he feels super guilty...

Not stuff I'm proud of but these thoughts have been playing out since I was 15, its been almost as many years living with them, visualizing every convo, every possible scenario, and yes, in the past wishing I'd be attacked while walking alone, because "that'll teach them"

~ Yeaaaah somehow me getting hurt teaches others a lesson... Maybe that I'm valuable? fk if I know.

So me, its been quite a while with these buggers and I try and take them in stride and not give them too much credit or attention, but have NEVER admitted to them before now...

I hope this thread helps you feel less alone even though we dont know if its DSM worthy