Rainbow

There are some very smart people on this site who have responded to your post with some good insight. I'm often impressed by the collective wisdom and caring here. I don’t know very much about parts work as I haven't done much of that work myself. I did resonate with some of the feelings you were talking about though and want to try to support you in that aspect.

What I hear in your post is that you are struggling against those feelings of attraction for your t, and those feelings bringing on shame. You just want it all to go away. It would be ok for those feelings if they came from a childlike place, but it is not ok for you as the adult. It sounds like a huge amount of energy is going into fighting those feelings.

Did I understand what you said right - that in IFS the concept is that maybe the part of you that feels attraction also needs compassion and acceptance too?

Maybe the core of the problem here is not the attraction, but the shame?

In my experience, which may not be the same as yours, I also felt a lot of shame for feelings that seemed wrong and out of place. I think maybe I’m working through that though.

It is totally natural for emotional intimacy to feel warm and loving, and for those feelings to cross over into sexual feelings or attraction. Have you ever had the experience outside of therapy where someone suddenly becomes much more attractive to you after you know them better and start connecting emotionally? It is also talked about in our society about how for some people sex is more of an emotional experience than just an action. The emotional-sexual connection is normal and well known.

So then, if the emotional-sexual connection is natural and normal, why should I (or you) feel shame for experiencing that normal range of emotion within therapy? One of my goals in therapy is to learn how to feel my own emotions. Surprise! That just happened to be one of them. I think that recently I’ve gotten to the place where I feel like saying “yes I felt that, so what!”. My feelings were normal, and my therapist was supposed to support me in that. I didn’t do anything wrong – I didn’t solicit those feelings or my therapist.

I still sometimes feel shame, even though I know I shouldn't, but I'm also kind of glad I had this experience. I learned a tremendous amount about myself through examining those feelings and what they meant to me. Isn't that what therapy is about?

In my therapy I went through a whole range - from fear and distance, through trust and intimacy, and yes through some sexual feelings that were about a normal response to intimacy. It was about me, not her. I now know more about why my relationships fail, what I need in relationships, my own emotional range, what true intimacy is, and how all of that should tie into a sexual relationship outside of therapy. I’ve learned some about my core inner need for connection. Super valuable learning experience!

Your relationship with your therapist is intimate, it just is. That comes with the territory if you do deep work. Maybe there are also physical or personality aspects to her that are attractive too, so what? What does that mean about what is appealing to you? What if you could just let your experience of this intimacy be exactly as it is, just accept that, and learn from it? Acceptance does not mean you have to act on it or make it central to your relationship. I think in fact it is just the opposite. When I struggle against something and shame works its way in it all becomes bigger. What would you learn about yourself if you let go of the shame and just openly examined this attraction and feelings you have? What do those feelings mean about you and what you need?

My thoughts here come a lot from my own experience, so I'm sorry if it doesn't match where you are or what you need right now. I'm not sure what you need but wanted to try to help.

Turtle