I'll save you the whiny and rather lengthy spiel but in short, I've never had a friend (until this year at least, but I'll get to that). I never had playmates in elementary school and I use to pretend I was part of this large social groups that always ditched me and I was too blind to notice until middle school. I used to be verbally harassed and shunned by a group of girls at my daycare until my mom took me out, and even at my church I've been ignored for going on five years.

This year, I met a girl and she's the person I've been praying for since sixth grade, but she's unfortunately a foreign exchange student who will leave in seven months and once more, I'll be alone.

I've been driven to all sorts of extremes because of it. It didn't help that in sixth grade I had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder (my parents thought me not being able to eat anything but crackers for weeks and throwing up when I had to go into public was me being "melodramatic") and although it's not anywhere nearly as bad is it was now it prevented me from doing a lot of stuff. Now I'm just an oversensitive neurotic perfectionist who has a tendency to feel a bit suicidal over these feelings sometimes. I wish I had someone to talk to, but alas, one problem with feeling lonely is the fact you have no one to talk to in the first place.

Nowadays, I wish I had something to excuse my friendless-ness, but it's just the fact I've never been able to fit in and nobody really likes me. I had a change in attitude and I tried so hard, not to a point of being annoying, but it still didn't work. I'm stuck in this dumb little town and although I'm not socially anxious the thought of socializing makes me so bothered that I cry if I go to it and I cry if I don't. I'm so dumb and unlikable I just don't make the attempt to try to be friends anymore because I already know the results.

I used to consider people friends. Once I went back and counted I had lost over 70 of said "friends" but that was because they moved or just left me by myself. They weren't very nice to me to begin with; one of them totally destroyed my self-esteem when I was 9 by blaming everything that happened to her on me and constantly reminding me how stupid and selfish I am.

Sorry this is so all over, but I'm a rather self-absorbed person whose mind kind of goes everywhere. I guess that's sort of the reason why people don't like me. :P