First I'm going to write about my session. I'm still a little shaky from it. When I told my T I wanted to talk about that part, and then hesitated because I couldn't get the words out, she said "you mean the part that is in love with me?"

It's SO hard for me to look at her while talking about this stuff! I took one of her "toys" and played with it so I'd have something in my hands.

T asked me to put the "judging part" on the sofa next to me like we used to do, and talk with the part who has these feelings. She kept using the word "fantasy' but I said it's not; it's real feelings. I finally managed to tell her that I (couldn't get away from the judging part after all) didn't like to be attracted to her. She asked me if I felt this way towards others in my past, which she's asked me before. We talked about how it was worse with my first T.

We decided it's complicated because I don't feel those feelings for my H, and I wish I did. I had to make it clear to her again that I don't want to be naked with her! I actually told her that. She knew that already.

We didn't really talk about integration or anything specific to IFS. She wants to know if I can accept those feelings and move on. She said not to be ashamed of thinking she's pretty, or being attracted to her. Don't I think other women are pretty sometimes? she asked. I said it's not the same! She said because I fantasize about it. I kept denying that I do that but finally admitted that maybe I do.

I wanted to make it clear to her that finding her attractive isn't something I do on purpose. She just affects me that way. I think she understands. When I talk about it being bad, she asks where I got that from. We already talked in the past about how it's not bad to have feelings for women. It was bad when I grew up, and was unacceptable. I said I don't know what's transference and what isn't. She never uses the word "transference".

I got a little sad talking about not having those feelings for my H, and wondering if I could have had a different kind of marriage. I have to grieve for what I didn't have. I'm attracted to my T, but not to my H.

So, I have to try to notice the part, accept that it's all right to be attracted to T, and realize it's because I want the romance/attraction in my own life but I don't have it. Plus the shame factor--I have to remember it's not something to be ashamed of.

I'll have to see how it goes. I feel better knowing T isn't upset by my feelings for her. It's only ME who is upset.