Iīm really really confused lately.
The worst trouble for me psychologically, started for me a few years ago,
when I developed anorexia while moving away from home and also attending a professional ballet school, shortly after my dad had died.
I could get rid of anorexia pretty quickly as soon as I moved back home,
but Iīm pretty sure ballet became my addiction.
In a bad way. Not a passionate kind of way. I felt very very dependent on it for my self-esteem and happiness and also with this, on my teacherīs approval.
Classes werenīt fun for me anymore, but made me nervous and terrible.
Yet, I didnīt feel like I could quit, because without it, I felt like I was and had nothing. Also, I knew that deep down inside there was still that old positive passion for dance and I never wanted to give up on dancing.
I never believed that those old and good feelings for it and with it were dead,
just "out of order". So I dragged myself to classes day by day until
I had to realize that this wasnīt getting me anywhere.
I only worked with a fraction of the power I had, I couldnīt put anything IN to my dancing. I wasnīt improving as I could have.
With lots of up and downs, a year and therapy and about one year with NO dancing at all, I got a little better.
About a year ago I started again, very very slowly.
By January February this year I was on a good way. I was enjoying dance again! I felt something and I was passionate not driven or scared.
It worked better and better until in April this year I injured my foot.
At first, I was still doing fine. The first 2 months, I missed dancing, but just for the feeling of dancing. Not because I felt I had to do it to be worthy or something. I was still doing fine without it.
Into the 3rd month though, when my foot still wasnīt usable again, I think I got pretty depressed. And I felt that valuable time was passing by I couldnīt spend dancing.
Since about 2 months ago, maybe a little less, I can dance again, though with care and limitations but the thing is, I cannot feel much anymore.
The past few weeks I was really depressed and found myself looking for dance to make me feel better. But it never worked and that depressed me even more.
So, my question is, is dancing an addiction for me? And is it bad for me?
I donīt want to stop but I also donīt want to be addicted and dependent on anything.