I do not believe dancing is an addiction for you but maybe a way of coping with the rest of your life and when our one way of coping does not work well, then we can get confused and lost.

As we get older, we try all the things we really wanted to try, pursue what we want to pursue and choices of what to do "next" get harder to find because we've "been there, done that" or are having difficulties with our first love because of injury or other life situations taking us away from or complicating it.

You have had some injuries and I think your knowledge of injuries has left you tentative about how well dancing can work for you but you have not looked at or developed anything else along the way and now you are in a bit of a bind?

Now that I am 63, I am trying to strive for balance. I'm not doing very well at it yet because my first love is history and I am very immersed in that; reading, writing, working on school and personal projects, etc. only it is all on this computer and I too rarely get up off this loveseat and get any physical activity. In short, I'm over accenting thinking, not getting enough physical and not interacting with others for social/emotional health.

Were I you, I would explore other non-physical aspects of ballet. I would read books on ballet, go to the theater to watch ballet, think about all the other occupations and people who love ballet but express it differently; the writers, viewers, critics, photographers, clothing makers, physical therapists, doctors, teachers; I would maybe make a list of 25-50 other ways that ballet touches people's lives? You beat the anorexia, maybe you could help other ballerinas with their eating/nutrition choices. Maybe you could write a book on your struggles, or just start a journal to grapple with the issues you are seeing with dancing for you. I have found for me that it is rarely the outside activity or person that is causing a problem, but something within myself that I need to address. I try to be grateful to the outside indicator, sometimes something important to me/my life and not something I have to give up or throw away completely.

I think you are looking for dance to make you feel better but I would look harder at what it is about dance that use to make you feel good and explore what other thoughts or activities might create those feelings as well for you. If we have 2-3 things we love then the loss of one is less a problem for us than if we only have 1 thing we love. You moved away from home and lost your father the first time you had difficulties. What are your current difficulties telling you?