Quote:
Originally Posted by Underground
I sent an email out to a team that I coach parents. The first one was very nasty and attacking but I held off from sending it mostly because my wife said please don't send that. The next day i did the complete opposite, I wrote a very encouraging email that thanked all these parents (who most of them I cannot stand) thanking them for their cooperation and support. She said well look how great that was, I had a choice and I went away from my normal instincts. When I told her I did this as a way to say screw you as they never expect me to write in this way
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Now THAT is me, nutshell and all!! I have done that, will do that, make no apologies for that, but funny...I'm told when I rewrite/say/do the 'correct' thing, I'm 'making progress' to being a 'better person'. Ridiculous. I just realized upon further thought, what I wanted to do was much better done the second way rather than the first. Fine tuning the apathy of my interest in them.
Fine tuning the manipulation. I want a 'friend' also...but I already have so many who think I am their friend, now. I raise, and feed and let go and they wander off a little confused, but I'm too apathetic to really care. Unless, of course, I can't find a replacement fast enough. Then, I may call on them...and they'll be happy, and I'll be miserable, because you just can't re-ring the bell.
Is that cold? Or just self-aware? It's ok...wait for it...my deeply ingrained guilt gratis BPD will swing me the other way in a moment, and the self-loathing can begin in earnest.
