Hello community,

I am 22 years old, male.
I sometimes have sexualle needs with penes. I imagine how I touch a beautiful penis, massage it, and take it into my mouth. This arouses me sexually. Furthermore I want to be penetrated by a penis anally. Thereby I touch my butt and my rosette. I spread my buttcheeks with my palm and apply pressure onto my ****. This pleases me.

A detailled impression of this issue is important for me. I feel very ashamed for my homsexual needs. I never have spoken with anybody about it, it is the darkest issue in my life. I feel inferior about about it. I refuse myself for my needs, hate myself for it. Maybe this is the psychosomatic Reason for my **** warts, that appeared a few years ago.

Gay has always been a invective in my environment, and I listened to music that spoke hatefully about Gays. I always made sure to appear maskuline, refused all feminity within me. I spoke condescendingly about Gays on my own.
How can I learn to accept my needs or heal them? How can I handle this?

While I am not aroused in a homosexuall way, it feels ok for me to write or even speak about my needs, I can almost accept it. But while I am sexual aroused by homosexual thoughts, my Shame and Self-denial is multiple bigger.

To mention is, that I never have been in love with a man (at least consciously), but all the more with women. Since six months I love a girl, but whenever I have homosexual thoughts I feel disconnected with her mentally, this hurts me, it damages my love to her. Additionally beautiful women arouse me at least as much as penises I think. By men, I encounter, I don`t feel aroused. Maybe I eventually suppress a latent existing arousal by men.

The only time I had sex in my life was with a prostitute, because I didn`t want to be a virgin anymore. I ejaculated in a minimum of time.

Please help me. I am open to spiritual methods too.
I am thankful for suggestions.

Greets