I had a new flashback last week, so we talked about it today, and my T had me go through the experience, and used EMDR to help me process it. During the discussion, I mentioned that sometimes I'm not even sure which of the three smallest ones does/says/feels what, because I feel like the lines between them are so blurred right now. He said that it was good that they were blurred, and was positive about it. Then it dawned on me. I asked if that meant they were integrating, and he said that's exactly what it meant. This would be my first integration experience. I thought I would notice if it happened, or have a chance to say goodbye to them or something, I don't know. I feel really bad for not even realizing that they were leaving me, like I'm a mom who left her kid at walmart and didn't realize it. I know it's progress, which is 'good'. But all I feel is confused and unsure.

I'm sad because I'll miss them, guilty because I didn't get to say goodbye to them, and scared because I don't know what to expect now, what to do, think, etc. I feel like I've lost part of me, which was not what I expected to feel. I hate that it happened without me realizing it, or controlling it.

Is this weird for me to be feeling like this? I just want to cry. I wish I could feel happy about it, like everyone else seems to be feeling. Sigh.