Hello to All,

I have been diagnosed with depression for the last 12 years and it has been a battle. Then three years ago I was diagnosed with ADD and GAD. I was put on Effexor and Adderall life was great needed little sleep (compared to the 12 hours before) able to complete tasks (novelty to me) etc. Then I was taken off because all those good things were considered to be hypomanic and I was diagnosed as BP II. Life sucked again as I was put on mood stabilizers and has sucked since.
Anyway, I have this huge issue that is eating me up and causing me daily pain. I have a natural reaction to reject anything that people say to me, I am always the devils advocate. I am left winged, just left of center and fight to be who want to be. What happens internally I fight to be myself or to conform and since I can not think it through in my head my emotions show on my sleeve. I am uncomfortable around others because I think everybody is better than me and that I can't do anything right. I am told by my psychiatrist I am fighting the system by rejecting others ( it has caused me to lose many friends, family and possibly my husband). I get extremely frustrated, agitated, irritable and quick to jump on people. The reason I lose them is because I ask for their advice and then don't use it and they get sick of hearing my the same things over and over that are bothering me. Deep down I know that I am a loving, effictionate and caring person who just wants to be with others. For some reason this person is stiffeld (sp?) inside of me which causes me daily pain. I act like I child due to my minimal coping skills, I hide from confrontation and many other issues I just don't address. My conversation skills are lacking; I don't have a conversation with someone without turning the focus to my problems.
Soooo I am wondering if this natural reaction to reject things is oppositional defiance.
I would do anything to let the real me out.
I have tried taking adderall and ritalin while on the mood stabilizers however there was no effect from them. Maybe my pdoc should of gone higher I am not sure.

Looking forward to your thoughts.
littlep