Incoherent babbling coming right up. Ignore it.

I don't know if I'm rapid cycling or... I don't know what I am anymore. It seems I'm blowing up at the smallest things. That the smallest things bring me down. I'm tired, not physically, but psychologically, emotionally... I just want to give up. It seems so tempting right now. I figured I'd be in hospital by now. When my psychiatrist finds out I'm off meds... I don't know what will happen. I just want everyone to give up on me. I'm not worth it. I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow... I don't know what's going to happen then.

Right now my thoughts are clouded. I'm not thinking straight. And I'm not taking that med that knocks me out to sleep. So I don't know when I'll sleep, or if I will.

I've betrayed the people closest to me. I haven't told them what's going on. I've done things to myself that would hurt them. Someone very close to me told me that this was the best day he had this year... having lunch with me. If only he knew what kind of a person I was.... It's things like that that really hurt me. Feeling like a lying coward, where it's damned if you do and damned if you don't, but there's some hidden third option that I'm incapable of reaching. And that is my fault.