I've always been afraid that I'm hopeless, and yesterday for the first time, it seemed like my T no longer believed in me either. I have a lot of trust issues, and things built up for the past few weeks:

-Two weeks ago I told my T something that I was angry about (not related to her), which was a big deal because I don't often feel or express anger. I also showed her a music video that I made of my sister's wedding (she had asked to see it).
-One week ago was one of those dreadful silent sessions where I barely said anything. It was like a backlash bringing me backwards after not censoring myself the week before. I told my T that I was embarrassed for everything that I had expressed last week, and I was afraid that she saw me differently after the video (she saw pictures of me and my family for the first time).
-This week I admitted to my T that I had sort of tried to sabotage the relationship the week before; I almost wanted her to get mad at me since I wasn't saying much. I also told my T that I sensed she was annoyed with me last week, and she admitted she was frustrated.

She expressed how hard it was to have seen me for hours upon hours (3+ years), and for me to have somewhat of a breakthrough, and then to regret telling her what I did and showing her the video. I feel terrible and like I let her down. I think she was using the video as a chance for us to bond, and she was really excited about it (so was I), so it must have hurt to hear that I was worried about what she thought. I didn't regret showing it to her, but I didn't say that.

Anyway, then she said the most hurtful thing. She had been thinking a couple days ago about me and was wondering this: if I was just meeting her for the first time right now, would anything at all be different (in terms of how I act; I cannot look at her at all even though it's been 3 years, and have really bad posture to hide my face). Basically, she was saying that she wasn't sure if I had internalized the relationship at all or made any gains in my trust for her. I told her that I didn't think this was true and gave a few examples, which I think she believes. But this has made me really worried and devastated.

She has always thought things would get better in time, but it seems like she doesn't believe that they will anymore. I'm not sure if she is giving up on me? It was also so strange to hear her tell me her real feelings of frustration, though I was glad that she was honest with me. Maybe she doesn't think I'm trying hard enough? I feel heart sick, and like I betrayed her because she doesn't deserve this. A lot of my relationships have ended because of my inability to trust, and I'm afraid this is another person getting annoyed with me. I feel very hopeless, terrified that I caused permanent damage to our relationship, and stuck. It just seems so hard to make eye contact and to act normally, but it's what I want more than anything. How can I improve?

P.S. Sorry this is so long! Thank you for reading!