It's the depression, sweetie. It can overwhelm you with a sense of despair, like everything is covered in a thick black muck. It has an "oh woe is me" hopelessness to it.

The emotional "numbing" you are describing is a symptom of depression. It happens sometimes when the pain is so intense you just shut down so you don't feel it -- or anything for that matter.

I see you have a tendency to judge yourself harshly. Just try to remember that it's the negative voice of depression talking. That's why it's hard to believe your friends. It's loud and boisterous but WRONG.

Are you on meds? If so, maybe you need to speak to P-doc for a tweaking. If not, maybe you need to talk to someone about starting.