THIS IS PURE RAMBLINGS I AM SORRY just need to talk before i go insane

i really don't know where to start or even what i want to say. i do know i have never felt this down in all of my life, and depression is *not new to me.

i feel i am ruining everything. my thought process is never ending, always dwelling on any and every thing BAD. my life seems like a broken record that keeps getting more scarred as the days pass. on the outside looking in i just "couldn't" be depressed, oh noooo!!! <sarcasm> i have the hard working husband who adores me, awesome, sweet children that i absolutely ADORE with ALL MY BEING, a nice home, mini van, car, cat, dog, bunny, physically not bad looking (inside i would hate to see an image of that) so who am *I* to complain???! @@

I have to stop myself , my mind, get out of this festering FUNK. but this time i can't do it. i am so irritable, my heart literally ACHES with grief, i am mean to my husband, snapping at my kids, throwing temper tantrums, cannot keep up with the house work, dread getting myself ready to do anything, haven't dressed nicely in months, hate the thought of going anywhere, and on and on. My poor sweet babies, God how I know it must hurt them to see Mommy this way. I do NOT want to ruin them. They deserve so much better than me!!!!! They've heard me say awful words, i've screamed out at my husband with them around, i know i'm hurting them and that makes me want to DIE even more. i'm tired of hurting and not being the person i dream of being. i know i am loved, but i feel i keep messing up everyone and everything in my life. my husband says I set myself up for failure. I do not want my babies walking on eggshells around me like I had to as a kid, or fear me. i never knew what to expect with my mom. speaking of my mom, she died unexpectedly in 2004 and i still cannot get over that. i loved her so much. my dad died in 2000 and he was my hero. oh might as well mention my papaw is on the verge of dying. with all that said, sure its easy to see i've endured a few blows in a short amount of time, but this "episode" of depression is the WORST i have ever experienced and i've experienced plenty, and i don't even feel its connected with death of my parents.

i worry constantly always thinking something BAD is going to happen "impending doom" i've always had that along with the depression, but i can't stress enough this time SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT. i feel everyone is better than me, i have cut ties with all my neighbors and haven't talked to any friends in months. i do not want to talk to people in any depth. hi and bye is fine with me but nothing more. money is also another issue i can't stop dwelling on, we spent too much over the holidays and are now paying for it. i won't get into that petty stuff though.

last thing i promise...i have tried several rx's throughout the years: prozac, zoloft, celexa, lexapro, serafem, cymbalta

Prozac seemed to work the best, but triggered some sort of compulsion. all the others were AWFUL, especially cymbalta. i haven't tried anything else for awhile. our insurance changed and i have a 5k deductible plus no copay and rx's are only covered 20%...i pay 80%. not do-able when you have a family to take care of first.

i am usually articulate in my writing but as you can see i am not tonight (lol) I just need an ear i guess. i am not proof reading this, so please forgive my grammatical errors and horrid use of punctuation!!!

signed: someone who needs prayers tonight!