I have a habit of making stupid, time-wasting screwups. Like I often go somewhere, then realize I forgot to bring my notebook or something else important, so I have to turn around and go get it. Or, like I did just now, I realized I was walking around with my backpack open. Everyone who saw me must have thought I was a loser.

Though I'm not from an abusive family, I frequently have these thoughts that if I did come from an abusive family, I would have been beaten if I made those mistakes. I would have deserved those beatings, because a better person wouldn't be so stupid. I think it's a good thing that I don't have an abusive family, because there's no way I would have survived. Other kids would have become self-reliant, but I would just react like a stupid helpless attention-whoring baby and make my abusers even angrier.

Sometimes when I'm in a particular spell of self-hatred, I look in the mirror and see a girl who is asking to be punched in her stupid, dopey face. I can see why the other kids in my class were disgusted with me.

Fortunately for society, I only have those hate filled feelings against myself. I have never thought that any other person deserves to be abused, even people who grow up to become serial killers. I'm the only one who deserves it. If I wanted people to treat me better, I should act like a smart and capable person.