Thoughts are just thoughts. You are definitely not a monster. The reason behind the thoughts is because you want love and care. That desire for "nurturing" is acceptable/appropriate. If you took action on those thoughts, that's a different scenario.

I too have had similar thoughts: hoping someone would rape me, hurt me, or kill me. I often think/dream about hurting/killing family members who have hurt me. And I'm 31 yrs. old. I really haven't ever told anyone. Most people see me as "sweet" and "innocent"; not knowing what truly goes through my head. I know I could ever act out on those thoughts. I would rather hurt myself than ever endanger anyone, even if they have hurt me.

But self-sabotage is a whole different story for me. I sabotage my own life to try to hold onto what support I do have. If I progress too much and I feel someone pulling away from me, I will find a way to ruin my life so that they will have to stay (doesn't usually work, but I still try). I have quit college 2 classes before graduation, started self-harm just "display" my pain, not taken care of my physical health so that I actually do need medical care, etc. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something I do.