I have major issues again w/ dissociating. I also have major trust issues which my T understands.
Apparently, in some type of fog-state Wednesday nite (2am) I got up & wrote my T an email. I swear I didn't write it & I wasn't happy about what was written. Friday afternoon she emails me a "thank you" email for sharing my feelings. This was the first time I saw this & quickly emailed her back that I didn't write it. Then my brain kicked into overdrive. Maybe this was a nasty joke or prank that was being played? Am I hearing voices outside my head now? Why wouldn't I remember writing this email? All these questions & I started to get really scared so I emailed a couple of hrs later Friday late afternoon asking her to call me & explain this email situation to me. I told her I was extremely upset!
Got an email back that said she's at a family commitment & will attempt to contact me Saturday. Today.
So I waited ALL day! Nothing. What does it lead to? SI! Because I feel like I'm not worth a lousy phone call. Really in 24 hrs she couldn't pick up the phone & check on me? What does extreme mean to her?
I was just starting to trust her a tiny bit. This wk I even thought of opening up a little but I take that all back. I feel very vulnerable & worthless. I know she could've had a crisis but I also work w/ another T. Why didn't she ask her to call me? I just wanted a phone call. That's it. I wanted to know someone cared. Now I have the walls way up & the eff you attitude.
Why do I bother when I get hurt every time!