oh I think I know what was wrong with me yesterday. At one point I said to T that I hated "the room" and wanted to smash all her books on to the floor and that sitting in the session was just BS!. T said that I was angry at her, and she kinda of had this smile as she said that. I said I didn't think I was angry at her and if I was I would say.

Last night in bed I just felt this feeling that I can't go back to T, but also the torture of feeling that what other option do I have? Though I know intellectually Therapy is helping, the pain from getting back into sessions again, only to have to face another break just seemed much more then I cope with.

I felt like I love T but also that I hate her because she holds the power over me as to whether I am ok or whether I am hurting, ie, she detates the breaks. I can't say "well I'd rather not have a break because its not what I want" I feel like a child that has to do what their told, has no say in it.

I know this maybe not rational, I know I trust T but at the moment I just want to crush her. Its not fair!!! But whats not fair???????? That T has always been professional? always been caring?? has helped me more than anyonen else?? unyet It feels unfair??? Oh someone tell me whats going on!!

Why am I running on 2 levels here??? Its war going inside me between seeing the reality of the situation, and the feelings I am feeling of pain and frustration!...I dont want to have to deal with this!!