Quote:
Originally Posted by _Mouse
T wrote down her new email addy for me yesterday. As she did I watched her. I mean I looked at her skin, her breasts, her cheeks. I really studied her.
I don't get to look at T much. 10yrs on and I find making eye to eye contact impossible.
I felt like a thief for a second. But the desire to 'take her in' was strong.
I think I could only sneak love from my mother. She didn't want me to have it. So I would sneak loving glances at her as she was undressing. She would lock me out of her room, but I found a crack I could see through.
That's how I felt watching T.
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While I do enjoy eye contact with my T, I absolutely adore watching her when she's writing out an appointment card on the rare occasion that our usual time to meet has to be changed. It is different from when I'm thinking during therapy and my eyes move around while I'm in thought; at those times I don't always have feelings about looking at her, although I can have loving feelings surface at those times.
I don't know if it is sexual on some level, because I don't fully understand the concept of emerging sexuality in childhood. If there is a sexuality aspect to it, it is innocent like a child's adoration, and I accept it without judgement as part of therapy.
Desire for physical comfort is something that has come up for me, over and over again during my therapy. I think that some of that desire is met (or maybe it's stirred up?) when I have that opportunity to just gaze at her. Earlier in therapy, a few years ago, I told my T that I was attracted to her breasts. That was about a desire to be held there and comforted by her.
What I think is that watching T is more about feeling safe to adore. Feeling safe to love. Feeling safe to trust. As long as it is kept secret, it can't be used against me; I can't be manipulated with it. And for me, it is about allowing myself to have those feelings of love and adoration because I would not allow them when I was growing up.