I think the conflict isn't really about how you feel about your T but about what you do/do not want to discuss?

Such a difficult subject, it will probably take some time getting it out and able to discuss? I would take your time, make regular appointments and think of one or two things to say that you may or may not want to. I would try not to think about the T but about myself and the subject. It's your therapy, the T is just there to help you help yourself. I think you'd be a lot more comfortable if you didn't feel so conflicted? Doesn't really matter where the subject ends up, just discussing it will probably make you feel more comfortable with yourself in the end.