Thanks for your replies guys. Obviously, I wouldn't wish this kind of fuddled, fearful, miserable emotional state on anyone, but there is comfort in knowing others know where I'm coming from.

My T said to email her last night, to get the toxic stuff out if I could, before seeing each other today. Even though I've always been a great fan of emailing til quite recently, for some reason I felt like it was pointless and I couldn't be bothered - but I made myself do it, and lo and behold it did help. I think it's probably a mark of how much I do trust her, really, that I can be doubtful and still give stuff a go because she thinks it will have a good chance of helping. So then I end up feeling better in a twofold way - because not only was the writing cathartic, but also because I deliberately chose to not withdraw even more despite reeeeeeallly wanting to.

Dealing with pain and trauma and challenging maladaptive behaviours is not only exhausting, it's a rollercoaster