I'm really sorry you are struggling so much right now, and that you are so angry and upset that you felt you had to SI. That must have been really distressing. And I can imagine that it must have been pretty hurtful if you were really hoping for a call from your T, and that didn't happen. I'm really sorry that you are feeling alone and abandoned.

I'm going to echo some of the things said here - As much as we may want/need our therapists at certain times, there will be moments when they just can't be there for us when we need them. One of the important things about being a T is being there to support your clients. But an equally important thing for them is learning how to set boundaries, and how to take care of themselves. It's really easy to forget that they are people with lives and families and issues to deal with all of their own. So, if they can't always be there for us, we have to learn to be ok with that.

Think of it as maintenance, like a car would need. (I know this is an imperfect analogy, but just go with me, ok?) You have a car that you can rely on to get you where you need to go when you need to go there. But sometimes, the car needs maintenance, so you have to take it into the shop. Now, that sucks, because you can't use your car when it's in the shop, so you need to find other ways to get around, or rent a car, or whatever...but it's better in the long run because then your car will be able to function longer and better. Therapists, or anyone in a service profession, can be thought of similarly. If they just go go go and are always there for their clients, they will "break down." They need time for themselves and their lives to maintain their own mental health. During those times, we need to find other ways to cope with stresses that might come up, like finding ways to calm down, coping techniques, or other people to fill in, like hotlines or friends.

I really hope you feel better soon, I really hope you are able to talk to your T, and if you feel that low again, please reach out. You are worth it