Well, I guess that it's not that your feelings don't fit the situation, obviously they do. (And I'm sorry if my post seemed mean, because re-reading it seems a bit mean and I didn't intend it that way.) In my totally unprofessional (I'm not a therapist) lay persons opinion, going from not getting a phone call, to thinking you're not worth a phone call, to SI sounds more like major depression symptoms. If you go through life feeling like this then you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong either, I've been there. Maybe I am still there right now even.

Here is my guess, and I could be totally wrong but this fits how I have felt. If you step back a moment maybe you'll see your issue is this void in your soul that makes you need and desperately crave being loved. I feel this in my soul, like I am drifting in a massive ocean totally alone. I am unwanted, I do not fit in, I am not a part of this race, I was never meant to be born. I am not family to anyone around me, and no one has ever loved me without conditions. My parents were supposed to, but that doesn't always work out. So my focus was on myself during my development. Me trying frantically to please my parents, to impress teachers and friends. Then me too shy to interact, withdrawn and depressed. Afraid that everyone hates me and will make fun of me, resigned to the idea I am unlovable. And now here's me today. I am an adult in therapy with few friends. What preoccupies my time? My obsession with how the therapist (that I've known for 9 months) really feels about me, and my obsession with how it will end with them ditching me as everyone else has done.

The problem is, I don't think a person can love me enough or call me enough to fix the void in my soul, because that void is my hatred of myself. The void is me refusing the help of people that do care, by running away in fear or creating a situation where they have to leave me. The issue is my lack of self esteem and me needing to form many connections, more than just one with a therapist. It is very scary, but this is the work I think that needs to be done for me to heal.

I also recommend meds if you have SI. That was my issue as well and they diagnosed me with MD. It's not good to stay in a state of SI and major depression for too long, on several levels just medically speaking. Not sure if you've done this already but I recommend antidepressants. I use them. Nine months ago I spent a portion of every day envisioning myself hanging from my cubicle with my SUI note pinned to my chest. This was due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. And, I'm no idiot either, there's absolutely no shame in antidepressants.