I trust myself and I trust my husband. He and I are married and in a known, committed relationship. If we were dating again (we dated/lived together 5 years while he was getting a divorce) and I started another relationship and he started one, any coming together again would be a "new" relationship for me. When I was dating my husband, he was married and separated from his wife during that early time and I lived through that, suggested he go to marriage counseling with his wife to make sure there was nothing there, etc. His ex-wife and I are good friends now; I know her mother and sister, etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is that one cannot decide for another person who is in their life, who is important to them and how their other relationships should work. If you love this man and want to be with him, I would embrace all of him and his entire life as he is running it. If you want things to operate in a way that is comfortable for you, that does not really allow for other people and their needs and desires. Your boyfriend is not the same person he was 8 years ago. You are not the same person you were 8 years ago. The relationship is not the same relationship.

I would want to be there in a friendly, companionable way for my husband and attract him to being with me because I was who he wanted to be with. My husband has his own life, ties to his friends and family for his reasons and needs and I do not want him to abruptly sever them because it is what I want/need. When we are at family get-togethers with his ex-wife, sons, etc. I realize his ex-wife's and his relationship has its own dynamic; we have been married for 24+ years now (and lived together dated 5 before that) and that dynamic is part of him. This woman will always be a "part" of your boyfriend. He may at some time cease calling and seeing her but neither you nor he can just "stop" what has been there. Look at the time you took to end your relationship with the other man but, the relationship still happened and still had/has an impact on you and there is no way to change that. The relationship is part of you now. I would use that experience to help myself grow to become a warmer, kinder, more compassionate and understanding person able to see there is no all or nothing, finished, neat borders nature to relationships; they only exist in the now and are only what both people make of them together.