where to put this. mostly cos im not sure what im going to say. just know that i need to talk about what ive been talking to T about. please someone move this post if its in the wrong place. thank you.
you know what? just
thats what i feel like doing and i cant. it started with T yesterday and the tears just started to run but she said not to hold them in and i couldnt help it. then every now and then today for no reason i feel them coming again but had to keep them in because i was in college. now the sadness is just in there and i cant get it out.
i dont get whats so wrong with me. what is it about me thats so... dispicable that people keep leaving me? i dont care that my father never wanted me but i would like to know what it is about me that he didnt want. why is it i just dont fit into this world? why do i feel so disconnected so much of the time? why does it feel like im watching myself whenever im in company? like watching a film? i can hear myself laughing at peoples jokes and it sounds like bad acting. and whenever i go to speak recently the same thing happens as when i was younger. my voice cracks and i cant get words out or i trail off mid sentence because it feels like ive just run naked onto the middle of a stage in a packed theatre. why cant i relate to what people are saying and have the same conversations that come so easily to them? do i set myself up so that i make people leave because of all this stuff or do people leave because they see ME?
it feels like im fragmented. so many different people i dont know who i am. why do my thoughts and actions change depending on who im talking to so i can have two totally different opinions without realising? sometimes they melt into eachother and its terrifying. the wrong one comes out in the wrong surroundings. why am i so weird?
why do i write all this and panic because i dont know if im lying and i dont know if its me im talking about? how can you genuinely not know if you re lying?? why dont i trust what i feel and my memory even of what happened 5 minutes ago? why cant i believe that i said what i think i said and that other people said what i think i heard them say and that things did happen as i think i remember them to have happened? even when they only happened today im afraid im making them up. but maybe thats not true. i know i went to classes today. i know i drank tea today. i know i walked half way home. so i know things. so im lying about not remembering? but im sure theres other stuff. if you ask me a question i ll get confused.
why too do people ask if i remember things from further back and i have no memory at all? just normal things. or sometimes not from that far back. from a couple of weeks ago and i cant remember.
my T is so kind and i really want her to be ok with me but i know she ll leave like everyone else. either cos i leave when i feel her leaving or she leaves me. i wish to god i didnt need people and could just be alone.