I had not a good week with memories and intrusive images from past trauma, but it gets worse. I drank twice this week but not much, just to feel ok.My friend invited me to her dads house out in the country where he lives, for a cookout on saturday. We got there at about noonish. We ate, drank I was having some fun.

There were many family members all of them were basically much older than us, as the hours went by, only one guy stayed and we had been talking most of the day, this man must have been 68 yrs old, he had been paying me compliments all day, he had been drinking as well, I didnt mind the compliments or hugs being as he is a much older guy ( grandfather like). My friend went to get more beer, I had been drinking but not drunk, just mellow. My friends dad went into kitchen to clean up, I stayed outside with this man, so he started to hug me and he gently took my face and kissed me on the lips and started to hug me and rub my back. At this point I guess I should have told him off, ran off
called him pervert, but I didnt do any of that, I just didnt mind, which makes me feel so disgustingly dirty.

As the night went by we sat inside on the couch with my friend and her dad to watch tv and I had my head on his shoulder. Suddenly I had chills my stomach turned I started having intrusive memories, I ran to bathroom, I threw up, I washed up and was better. I just sat on the bathroom floor feeling lost like a child.

I wanted to be alone, I was scared, he walked in , he said he was sad I got sick and he crouched on the floor by my side, he was touching me all over and I just sat there like I was not even there. It was only like five minutes I guess. he left.

I went to the couch now it was bed time, my friend was next to me on the recliner. All hell broke loose flashbacks were horrible, my friend said I was curled in a ball and had a voice of a little kid and like trying to cry like a little kid saying no no get away. My friend said she held me and grounded me until I fell asleep. I remember her holding my hands and telling me to breath.

I FEEL HORRIBLY DISGUSTING AND SHAMEFUL AND DIRTY. I dont see t till wednesday. please help me process this.
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