It is absolutely annoying that my grandmother feels the need to hint that I have some major dark secret past involving my biological mother but yet, she doesn't want me to know anything. I know she knows something. The most she revealed to me (recently, at age 25) is about the cigarette burns she found on me as a baby.

She wants to protect me. I get that. I've been screwed up my whole life. I get that. But it frustrates me that she says things like most recently:

"You should be praise god because you've been through a lot....a lot more than you know..."

or I mentioned that I don't get the flu shot. I have no reason except I feel like I shouldn't and she said

"Yes, I saw something about X disorder listed under health history in your mothers notes from the mental health clinic."

So I asked for the records and she says, "You don't want those...I probably don't even have them anymore."

I'm not looking for a reason behind my insanity - I already know I am the way I am. And I don't blame my biological mother for any of it because I was left as a baby. All my issues stem from the family I was raised from.

But I can't stand that people in my family know some big facts about my past and can hint that I have some type of history (T's asked but we're both only working with little bits and pieces of hear say from my dad and grandma and brother) but they won't inform me of details.

My dad (the only family member that knows about my T) had said that he is willing to talk to my T about some stuff in my history, but I absolutely will not allow that. There should be nothing that he is willing to tell her that he won't tell me about MY business.

Ugh. I want to just forget any kind of past exists (since I don't have any memories of that time at all, in addition to limited memory of my preteen and under years). But **** like this keeps coming up and its throwing salt to the wound.