Thank you so much for your replies. Please know I read them ALL, not just what I want to hear. I am known for being a pretty open person. My best friend was my ex's ex-fiance. We've been friends since my ex and I started dating and we're all good friends now. People don't understand that, but I never needed to be suspicious or jealous because they were always transparent. It's not so in this case.
In fact a couple of weeks before I found out about their meeting, I was considering inviting her over for dinner on her next trip to our area. I thought we could break some ice and all be on the same page. After what I've found out, that will never happen, she will never be a friend of mine. No one will ever get away with talking to me like that and for him to not step in to my defense is very disappointing.
I caused a lot of pain and hurt to him. I get that, I'm working on that. Through therapy I now understand what was going on, what I was missing and how my childhood affected me. It was the 'perfect storm' of feelings, lack of feelings, etc that caused the affair. Now that I know this, I know what I need to do to keep it from happening again. That's a step toward us healing this relationship.
He is going to therapy with me this week and I'm hoping we will be able to make a breakthrough with regard to his anger towards me. I know it won't be pretty, but it's okay. I'm doing everything I can to remain positive and approach things with love. I know negativity will get us nowhere. It's so hard to be positive though when I feel like I have to check phone records and ask questions all the time.
Thank you all again for your replies.