Ive decided i need to tell my story now
When i wasnt born my father brutally beat and raped my mother when they were already married
to change my father she had me
we had nothing no food not many clothes...it went to beer
it didnt change him...my mother ran away after he stole all our money
we were homeless and went to her mothers house in another state
he threatened to kill us if we didnt go back to him
my mother filed for divorce and i was forced to visit him every once a month in the summer
he would scream in my face, shake me, tell me lies, he even held me there against my will
i couldnt go to the bathroom i was forced to hold it for at least a week (causing intestinal problems)
back home mom remarried, a nurse, i lived at babysitters, she wanted nothing to do with me, i reminded her of him
most of the babysitters abused me, one tried to take me and i remember her pretending to breast feed me (i was 5 or 6 yrs)
my mother hates me now, my stepdad used to hit me, my mother said i deserved it, no body believed me and told me it was teenage rebellion, i have been cutting for 6 years now, my father calls me when hes drunk a million times, my mother will avoid my calls, she always told me i was her biggest mistake, ive been thrown out in the snow in shorts and a tank, told never to come back, and then the police get called and im the "runaway" ive been hit with remotes, my stepdad flung a table at the wall and tried to hit me with the side where all the nails were, all of my stuff has been destroyed by them, i finally got away in the arms of a wonderful man, but they haunt me, there is so much more to the story, my mother even gave me back my baby pictures, she said she didnt want them, what i hate the most..i tried to get help from people...somehow people always thought i was asking for it, that i was rebellious, when all i wanted to do was read...everyone told me i was lucky, i know my problems arent that bad compared to everyone else...i must have deserved some of it at least i guess...now i cant stop cutting...ive started hearing voices...im afraid of the dark..i dont remember everything my bf says i probably hid alot of the rest away...that conciously i dont remember but inside i do...i dont know...my nightmares consist of being raped by everyone including my mother...i have tried sucide...im just not that kind of person...im dying inside...i feel worthless and useless...i feel bad im sorry i had to get that out..sorry for wasting any space Thank you