I'm a little late with an update, but I did make it to my appointment on Saturday. I always like T better when I can see her in person, so it will be good to see her f2f regularly now. The drive wasn't even all that bad. So strange going in from the other direction though, and I was afraid on the way home I would not think about it and go back to where I used to live (3.5 hours the wrong way).

I took the MMPI for one of my classes, and my results were pretty concerning. High on the depression and social introversion scales (which didn't surprise me), but also very high on Paranoia and Schizophrenia. There were other details in my report that seemed pretty accurate too, like having difficulty concentrating, lack of self-confidence, sensitivity to criticism, anticipation of rejection, withdrawal and isolation, feeling misunderstood, suicidal ideation, sleep difficulties, and even that my prospects for therapy are not great because my "anger and brooding make it very difficult to form a therapeutic alliance." Basically, it said that I am probably a psychotic drug addict with mood and personality disorders.

So, we went over all that, and I understand where that stuff is coming from. I'm not scizophrenic (although I have two blood relatives who are), but my thinking and perception can be pretty distorted. Also, I have never abused substances, or even experimented, but I have always been glad that I never started down that path because I would have been an instant addict. And also, I tend to over-report psychopathology (the MMPI suggested that too). I even have a good idea why. My mother wanted to have kids she could take care of forever. I also remember as a teen thinking that the way to have friends is to have enough problems to be interesting and deserving of help. So my patterns might make a little bit of sense, anyway.

One thing that all this information confirmed is that my perceptions are questionable, because my thinking is wierd and I'm paranoid. This seems to confirm what I have felt for as long as I can remember. If anyone ever disagrees with me, I am always the one who is wrong. Also, everything really is always my fault and I need to take responsibility for it. Those were my rules and have been for a long time. I've just barely connected those rules to this new information, but maybe I will mention that to T next time. Maybe they are a bit extreme, but it seems that they are not as far off as I had started to think they were.

Anyway, I need to start figuring out when and how my thinking is weird, and work on fixing it. Maybe you guys could help me with that and tell me if I am not seeing something quite accurately. Usually I think I do okay where it comes to other people, especially in the professional and educational domains, but I have problems when it comes to anything personal. Feel free to let me know if you detect any of that, ok?