Wow. That must have been absolutely awful. You did NOT deserve any of that kind of treatment. No child no matter how bad deserves that. I hope you find a way to get your mind to remember that you do not deserve to be raped, lied to, shaken and especially not forced to hold his/her pee for extended periods of time. I am tempted to repeat that you don't deserve this kind of treatment over and over again. But, I hope that you will try to tell yourself that over and over again.