Granite, I agree that pbutton points to the important piece. If what you hope for is possible and there are changes you can make, then by all means, a person should try to make those changes. But in my dad's case, one of things he hoped for was for my mother to change and to love him the way he loved her. She could and did improve her behavior when stern limits were set for her, and when her mental illness abated somewhat when those closest to her refused to cater to her pathological behaviors. However, she was never and is never really going to be able to love other people in a "normal" manner. He spent his whole life waiting for that. He needed to give up that hope and either figure out how to be happy with what he had, or move on and find a normal relationship. No matter what he did or said, he was never getting what he hoped for in terms of my mother really loving him.