Dear sweepy62,

Sorry for what you've gone through. You don't have to feel disgusting, shameful and dirty (the old "grandpa" should.)

You don't have to feel bad for your inaction. Most people don't object sexual touching because we really don't know how to react. We react well when we are attacked physically....maybe we even fight back when someone calls us names. It's the self-defense part of brain that just jumps up to protect ourselves.

But we simply are not hardwired to protest if it is of sexual in nature. Worse part is, sexual touch feels good for the body but awful for your mind.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you were sexually abused at a young age, your brain craves the chemicals released after sexual - i don't remember if it is endorphin or dopamine or serotonin. When you are introduced to sex too early, it really messes the brain. Brain craves that chemical and that makes it very difficult to say no. In terms of brain - it's like saying no to chocolate - very tough to do.

I think when you talked in a child like voice - you repressed, trying to say no (really sorry if i am assuming things).

Don't dwell on it.

Everyday, try to be better and stronger than the previous day. If you succeed, reward yourself....if you don't succeed that day - don't be tough on yourself - you can try again tomorrow.

Tackling your mind monsters and getting the life you want, is a slow process. Slow and steady will get you there.

You can maintain a journal, to note all the good things you did, things you succeeded doing along with things you didn't succeed in. It would really help you clear your thoughts.

Good luck!! Keep on moving!!!