Eskielover....what you said below, is very common in situations of "hidden" EA...

QUOTING ESKIELOVER........"I know what seemed to happen in my situation is that the emotional abuse went on where no one saw it....but I was a fighter....so I fought back....including putting a stop to his pathetic sarcasm he started the marriage with because I found myself fighting back with sarcasm to him & I realized I hated what was going on.....but I wasn't so wise with the other fighting back I was doing.....he would push me on other issues & I would blow up at him.....so when I would blow up where others would see it....they wouldn't see what I had gone through to get me to that point in the first place......looking back now that I left.....I can see all kinds of passive aggressive behavior that I was dealing with.....it was no wonder my anger was what it ended up being.....but he ended up looking like the victim to everyone who couldn't see the big picture..."

Before I realized that I was actually in an emotionally abusive relationship, I can remember going home for holidays, (we lived in another state at the time and would travel to see our families during the holidays, before we had children) and finding that I would always spend ALL of my time with my mom and sister, while he sat in the living room with my dad and brother in law. While my sister would pop in occasionally to deliver a snack, while they played cards, or just to sit on her husband's lap or give him a hug or kiss, I never set foot near him, when I was "safe" at home.

I remember that he even mentioned it on more than one occasion...and pointed out how my sister always showed affection to her husband, brought him food, etc....

At that time, I had NO IDEA why I didn't want to be near him. I realized years later that being "home" around my parents and sister, to whom I was also very close, was an escape for me. They were not belittling me, making cruel jokes about me or my body, or arguing with me. They were not turning every discussion or healthy debate into an unhealthy debate or a chance to point out someone's flaws. It was just an unknown escape for me, at the time.

I also remember one holiday in particular that my own mother made a comment to me privately about the way I was speaking to and treating my husband in front of them. She was not attacking me, but was confused as to why my tone was so short, sarcastic or unloving towards him, for what might have appeared (on the outside) to be NO reason. Again, I did not know. I knew that when she said that, I did get defensive and say something about not knowing how HE talks to me ALL THE TIME, when we are not here, etc....but even THEN, I did not put the pieces together. (Later, ALL of us did.....)

I was reading an article recently that was discussing exactly what you said happened to you. It said that often, the "victim" of EA, is seen as the cold, unfeeling, angry one....in the eyes of others or in the eyes of even their own children. All they see is Mommy rejecting what appear to be Daddy's attempts at being "nice" or loving, etc....(and these are in cases of mostly Covert Abuse, as opposed to "in your face" obvious abuse.) Others always saw my husband as this funny, charming, handsome and successful business man, who I was NEVER laughing at or even wanting to be around in social settings. Eventually, most of our friends who got close enough to us, were able to see what was happening and then, it clicked for them, as to why I always appeared miserable with him.

I experienced FIRST HAND him attempting to make me look crazy, depressed, unstable, and to make it appear as if I was a full on ADDICT. (while I did develop a tolerance to my pain meds, during my years fighting back and neck issues, and before my diagnosis, etc....and while I freely ADMIT to having developed a dependence on them, to alleviate feelings of emotional pain, even my own Psychiatrist, who specializes in Pain Med Dependence/Addiction said that he did NOT view me as a FULL ON ADDICT, but rather someone who initially required meds, and then after developing a dependence, needed assistance getting off of them. ) Anyway, my POINT was NOT to justify or deny ANY of that, rather instead to point out that instead of supporting me through my health issues and/or being understanding about any of it, he wanted to use it against me, to gain sympathy from others for having to "Deal with me".

If or when I would freak out on him, my emotions, rage and anger were always over the top, based on the years I spent repressing that anger and pain. (never in front of my kids, though...) So OF COURSE, I would look like an out of control lunatic in that moment, b/c I WAS...in that moment. He knew exactly how to trigger me, when nothing else worked anymore, and that was by basically saying that I was a bad mother. This, to me, who has happily stayed home with my twins and done NOTHING but love, nurture, protect and sacrifice for them, EVEN IF, I had bad days, or health issues. I was always doing the best I could at any given moment and HE KNOWS THIS DEEP DOWN.

So, what you went through and how you reacted are really textbook. I read once also that some women NEVER fight back. Some women fight back, but eventually give up. Some fight back from the start and finally leave. And others, fight back, by becoming emotional abusers THEMSELVES, in an attempt to get even with and hurt their spouse the way that they were hurt. I always fought back, once I realized what was going on, but did NOT resort to EA tendencies, UNTIL about 4 years ago, when I went totally and completely EMOTIONALLY COLD on him. I made sure to point out ALL of his physical flaws, as he had done to me early on and I basically treated him the same way he treated me. I am not condoning it, but I only did it when pushed to the limit and the difference was, that it was never a calculated attempt to gain any sort of control over him. It was always in the heat of anger....and again, while it doesn't make it okay, it is very common.

That was when I realized that I had to consciously AVOID nearly ALL contact and communication with him, and that I had to always be aware of when he was attempting to trigger me, ESPECIALLY IF MY CHILDREN were present. I have to be extremely careful now, with a divorce pending, that even if I simply go out for dinner and a few drinks with a dear friend, that I DO NOTHING that he could get me for legally. (My cousin's Ex was 10 times worse than mine and she was at a friend's home one night, playing cards and having a few glasses of wine, etc....Anyway, when she left, he had a female friend of his, call the state police and say that she saw my cousin driving erratically on the highway. Well, they pulled her over and while it does NOT excuse it, she blew literally just over the legal limit at .09 or something. Maybe even right at .08. Again, it was WRONG of her to drive, even after just a few glasses of wine, but HE set her up, in an attempt to discredit her as being a responsible parent, while they were in the middle of their divorce. Never mind that she was the sole bread winner for the entirety of their marriage, that she had an amazing job/career and had basically "helped" him get his own bachelor's online by being "forced" to do much of the work for him. She WAS the better and more stable parent, but the second she let her guard down and made a mistake that he could use to his benefit, HE DID IT.) So I am VERY carful with ALL that I do now. Even though I DO have legitimate and chronic pain, I wouldn't take a pain pill if my life depended on it. Mostly by my OWN choice to avoid them altogether, but ALSO, b/c I DO NOT TRUST him not to try to find SOME kind of way to make me appear unfit.

And this is where my original post all came from. The unfairness that comes with living this way for so long. People have issues. People make mistakes. Myself included. But to live in an emotionally abusive marriage for so long and then, have to continue to walk on eggshells or watch your back or attempt to be perfect, well, it feels like a slap in the face, and yet ANOTHER form of control.

Once the divorce is final though, I feel like I will be free from his grip. Obviously I will always be aware and wouldn't do anything stupid deliberately anyway....but I just feel like finally, outside of likely being disagreeable about visitation issues, holidays and probably pissed about whatever the final financial settlement is, I will NOT have to live with him and his anger and negativity every single day. That will ONLY be GOOD for my soul. And maybe if he is lucky, since he is perfect and does everything right, he will find a perfect girlfriend right away, that will take the focus off of me! I feel sorry for whoever it is, and hate to wish that on anyone, but even if I attempted to warn a woman, he will have told such lies by then, that she wouldn't believe me anyway.

Sigh. It is draining even writing this down. And we both know that it doesn't even COMPARE To attempting to live with and raise children with someone like this. To this day, I sometimes wonder if I have made all of this up? If I AM indeed the crazy one? But thank GOD, I have my old journals to go back and read and when I read some of the things I wrote about, long before I was DONE with him and long before I had any intentions outside of working it out, I realize again that I am NOT crazy. I did NOT make this up. He is so good at what he does and HOW he does it, that sometimes I can still even to muster up enough compassion to view him with pity. Or to view him as his own type of victim to whatever damaged him enough to turn out this way. But those moments tend to pass within the blink of an eye, b/c before I can even process the thought, he is usually doing or saying something to remind me all over again, why I am leaving and that I am definitely NOT crazy.

I am glad you were able to ultimately get away from your situation and from your husband. I'm sorry that it took as long as it did. But know that by sharing YOUR story, you help others to look at it and then hopefully REFUSE to lose that much time. To someone in a 2 year marriage, my 12 years looks like a lifetime to them, so it is all relative, really. And hopefully someone, somewhere will read something I have shared here or somewhere else, and save themselves from years of pain, if they recognize themselves in what I have shared. Thanks again.

PS...THANK YOU to ALL who have responded. And sorry for the length of this! Obviously I have a lot to say when something someone else says, reminds me of my own story.