Thank you for your reply and for the book suggestion. I would LOVE to see those slides. I totally believe that "abuse" changes the brain. It is a well known fact that abused children are forever changed from who they were or were going to be. They say that the brain can stop growing and learning when the abuse starts. And that when a child is finally able to get away from the abuse or leaves home that many times, they have adolescent coping strategies. I found this to be true in my OWN case, as even though I was technically an "adult" I was 28 when I got married. When I finally had ENOUGH at around the age of 34 or 35, I remember deliberately attempting to get out from under his control by doing anything and everything I knew to act out in ways that would drive him insane. Much like a rebellious teen.
If I was going out with friends, I would come home later than I should. (even though I wasn't "doing anything") If I had a beer and he said ANYTHING? I would deliberately have TWO more, just to piss him off. Hell, I was a former smoker in college and hadn't smoked in nearly 10 years and I deliberately started smoking when I had drinks, just to show him that I COULD. I spent money on whatever we NEEDED and on some things I simply WANTED, for the first time in my life, without making excuses or trying to hide the things I might have purchased. (things like groceries....yes. Things like new shoes for our growing children...yes. I had to explain ALL of that to him previously and deal with basically being "in trouble" for totally benign things!) And so this time, if I bought a pair of expensive boots or God forbid a new pair of jeans for myself or a new winter coat? If he questioned me, I just said.."yep...I got that for me b/c I needed it." And if he was pissed? I didn't care. Usually I'd just go back out and get something else. (and we were lucky to be financially well off, which made HIS griping and complaining over me buying fresh raspberries for my girls, totally asinine!)
Anyway, thanks again for the response and for the book suggestion. I will definitely check that out...once I get myself my new Nook or Kindle! LOL! Have been wanting one for years, and am doing the research and getting ready to buy one, b/c I CAN!
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Originally Posted by eskielover
Wow, what a good post....it really hits home....took me 33 years to leave......all but the last 13, I escaped into my engineering career but continued fighting him.
I know what seemed to happen in my situation is that the emotional abuse went on where no one saw it....but I was a fighter....so I fought back....including putting a stop to his pathetic sarcasm he started the marriage with because I found myself fighting back with sarcasm to him & I realized I hated what was going on.....but I wasn't so wise with the other fighting back I was doing.....he would push me on other issues & I would blow up at him.....so when I would blow up where others would see it....they wouldn't see what I had gone through to get me to that point in the first place......looking back now that I left.....I can see all kinds of passive aggressive behavior that I was dealing with.....it was no wonder my anger was what it ended up being.....but he ended up looking like the victim to everyone who couldn't see the big picture.....& I wasn't wise enough to express the big picture....I just fought back. Our poor daughter....no wonder she never wanted to come home.
The final straws came in the last few years I was living with him. I have come to realize that my major depression & anxiety & suicide attempts & even my anorexia wasn't just due to my loss of my career....it was being trapped in a marriage where emotional abuse was a constant & not having a career I was trapped in the marriage because the house was upside down......he had so totally miss managed the money we had while my depression was so bad that there was no money to live on even if I were to get a divorce.
It wasn't until my mother died & I sold her house that I had enough money to escape.....& I truly do feel it was an escape.....I gave him a chance to see if anything would change....1 month at my new farm...& he totally blew it....so I kicked him out......then I found out that the IRS was after him for a mistake he made on my inheritance (so I was actually liable)....only he never said anything or even talked to the IRS for over 10 months when I finally received the letter that was forwarded to my farm....he triggered another realization while I'm filling for divorce (finally)....but I realize he was always doing something to block a divorce our whole married life & the truth came out...that he would feel like a failure if he ever ended up divorced.
The problem with meeting EA with anger is that the angry person ends up looking like the abuser & the bad guy IMO.....while the EA ends up looking like roses......God knows the truth & that is what I hold onto....but now others are seeing him for the person that he's been all his life.
I have always known that I have been right....but it's been an uphill battle against him all the way....& he still plays the victim roll....only I will NOT play his games any longer.....but it's a lot easier to take that stance 2100 miles away from him & being the one that controlls the communication I will allow....it's down to only email because he abused my old phone number & gave it out to a creditor that he ended up defaulting on....& they kept calling ME......
He continually denies that he has ever known that his actions are abusive....either he's totally naive or he's completely BS'ing even himself.
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Originally Posted by nicoleflynn
I was married to a verbal abuser (and physical) for 31 years. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity. I believe it should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Yes, the 'repercussions" thing....I hve been alone fo 10 years and he...the abuser has someone in his life. Unfortunately our society is still in the dark ages in regards to emotional abuse, but in France....they do have a law against verbal abuse. I have been working like a "Trojan" for over 10 years to get the message out there and speak on National Television. I presented my paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault to the Michigan Counseling Association. Abusers are narcissists and it is a waste of time to tell them your feelings and thoughts. They do not hear you. All you can do is be the best parent you can, love and nurture your children. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it all begins with verbal abuse. Verbal abuse (alone) can physically change the brain....I have slides from a researcher at Harvard that shows that....Unbelievable. Every time we are under stress, out bodies release cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system. I have always said it is a miracle (after 31 years of abuse) that I am not dead! Educatiion is the key. I hope you will read the book I mentioned. Love and hugs, Nicole
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Marital/Intimate Partner Emotional Abuse Survivor. (Currently separated, divorce petition filed, living together, while attempting to sell home in this market.)
Recovering Narcotic Addict (Related to chronic pain/degenerative disc disease....BUT....ended up using too much of my own pain meds, when I realized that it also helped with emotional pain.)
Currently? HAPPY and CONTENT, mother of 8 year old twins, who is NO LONGER a victim of EA, and who also NO LONGER attempts to numb herself, as opposed to facing her pain, both physical and emotional....HEAD ON!)
I am not perfect, far from it.... and and am not yet where I want to be, but I am ON MY WAY!