I just don't know what to think. Now with things getting really worse. I am questioning what am I doing here. I am not suicidal and I don't care to die young, but now being told by medical drs. neurologists I am stuck with a disorder that could be either terminal or vegetative and they don't know how soon or long. I just want to cry, because I do too much for people I care about and I got nothing but ****. I feel like a ****, because I didn't take care of myself and I wanted a girlfriend, not a soulmate, lifepartner, or even wife etc. Whatever. I just wanted to have someone share experiences with together in general as friends, but I grew up around women all my life and most of my friends are female. The fact I am sad and now being told I won't probably experience what I want in time. It really hurts, because I want it in the most simplest ways and it makes me happy, but now. I can't. There isn't enough time and this society doesn't give a ****. I don't have hope, I try to hold on and I don't think I am holding on to anything because I am already falling and crashing but somehow holding on to something that never existed for me. The fact I am alone as I am not experiencing this with the life I have doing things for myself is frustrating sometimes as much as hopeless and cruel. I talk to girls all the time, I am not a **** or a too nice of a guy. Just average and I don't useless girl advice. I am full of it, and I give it alot. I just don't know, because no matter what I talk to out in this city specifically people just want your **** and leave you behind. Idk if I should be glad or grateful of being more ****ed up later or not. This is truly confusing.