Thank you so much for this post.....it's making things so much more understandable......

I too could write a novel on all the things that I went through & all the things I think from the beginning that fed into the EA & things I wasn't smart enough to stop or to not even get married in the first place because there was no way I could have stopped anything.

He claims even now that it's his personality & there is nothing he can do to change that (just BS after going through 2 years of DBT)......I dumped on him all his failures as a husband in the 2100 mile drive to my farm that winter.....I don't remember much of that trip.....I don't remember much of my life from 1994 until 2007 when I finally bought my farm & escaped that 2100 miles away.....but even then he didn't stop the abuse....it got worse in different ways with the IRS & the foreclosure oh the home he was living in without saying a word to me....but I would get the calls & then try to contact him about what was going on....with absolutely NO response.

He was always good at lying....he would either say something wasn't as bad as it really was....or he wouldn't say anything at all.....or he would tell me things that he thought were truth in his mind but in reality had absolutely NOTHING to do with reality.....he could make up stuff real good instead of admitting that he didn't know something & he would have to look up the answer (best eg was when my mother got cancer & I was calling her every night....I asked him if our phone service had "anytime hours" & if it did, when did it start.....he just came out with 9pm....come to find out when I had a $500 phone bill that we didn't have any time hours on the plan we had. He was the one that knew where all the phone information was.....& he was the one that got the plans set up for our cell phones.....so he was the one that should have either known the information or known where to find it in the bill filing....but no.....he always knew everything no matter what the question was & being in a position with my depression, anxiety & really BAD migraines that wouldn't go away.....I needed to be able to depend on him for REAL ACCURATE information.

If someone told him he couldn't do something he took it as gospel & wouldn't do anything about it.....happened with my hospital bills because he knew our financial situation & had all the paperwork they needed....NOT ME.....so to me, it was logical to depend on my H to take care of those kinds of things when I wasn't able to....I would have done the same for him if he had been in my place.......

That was the major catalyst for my leaving was that I knew if I had total control of my financial information & I knew exactly how much I had in the bank & wouldn't keep overdrawing like he ended up doing....& I would know exactly how much & where the money was so I could handle emergency situations if they came up & I wouldn't spend money I didn't have.

He has never made a wise decision in his life & definitely none in the 33 years I was married to him....& especially even worse after I left....as that's when the IRS situation came up & so did the foreclosure on the house my name was still on. He has destroyed my credit (not that I buy anything on credit anyway....but I was trying to get a credit card so I could put groceries on it & get a discount on my gas....& I couldn't qualify because of the foreclosure & the mess he made with the house my name was still on in Calif).....my name was still on it with the refi because I had loaned him some money out of my inheritance to do some fixing with the agreement that I would get it back with the refi.....needless to say...never do anything without it being in writing.....but after just going through a trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer....the PTSD that left me with really messed me up & is still having it's negative effects I keep fighting on top of anything my H ever did.

Most of the time it's the husband controlling the wife through power....not stupidity.....but I've heard a few similar to my situation also.

All I know is that I am so happy to be completely away from him.....the jerk even gave out my phone number I had to a credit company he got a title loan on the car his parents gave him money to buy when the car I left him quit running.....title loans are something most states have made illegal...except for Calif......300% interest. He stupidly purchased a Camaro instead of a reasonable gas using auto.....so then he complained about how much it cost him to run.....& somehow he managed to qualify for a new small economical Toyota.......& quit paying on the title loan.....so they start to call ME because he had given them MY PHONE number....that was when I ended up buying a new smart phone & got rid of that phone number & finally got a local phone number for where I'm now living....that took almost 6 years before I got to that point.....but after his abuse with my phone number....I refuse to even text him...& all communication is done via email.....I had limited it to being in writing in the first place because I could edit what I said to him before letting it get to him......

UGH, I could also write a novel about some of the things I went through.....but much of it is in that black hole & I have no family alive other than my daughter who lived in the house with us for all those years....but I don't want to bring up things with her because I want her to have her own ideas & thoughts & her dad was good to her.....he's always been good at being good to people.....but living with him & having to deal with him on a daily basis as his wife was a whole other story......things he claims he had no idea about....like he was just living life & that's the way it came out.....he wasn't doing anything on purpose.....but the bottom line about his attitudes he's had about having to be smart & having to have everything handed to him without having to work for it....was a huge key to the emotional abuse that he caused whether intentional or not....most of everything was so that he wouldn't look bad or wrong or responsible........that is the most immature personality & through the years it does cause emotional abuse to anyone who has to live with it.

Oh yes....I wanted to comment on the narcotics......I have a pain specialist who takes care of my migrains pain because nothing but narcotics has been able to help....& I have been on the same high dose since 2003.....10 years. They have been good at helping with the definitions. Everyone who is on narcotics becomes dependent....that's just a metabolic fact of life....because everyone without the med will go through withdrawal coming off it is & to come off needs to do it by slowly decreasing the amount. Building up tolerance is different than addiction....tolerance is the body requiring a higher amount in order to provide the pain relief....addiction is wanting a higher amount for the feeling that it provides (& that feeling isn't just the relief from pain)....it's a high or a low or whatever feeling one might really want from the medication. For me even on this really high dose, I have never gotten a high from it or any buzz or any feeling at all other than the relief from pain....my pain specialist said that when the dose is right for the pain......then the patient doesn't get those kinds of feelings that cause people to want them for addiction reasons.

Ugh, I had problem with morphine....itching all over my body & the same with dilauded (a relative of morphine). Demoral was the only thing initially that gave me relief from my migraines....then after the neck fusion which didn't help the migraines at all the hospital's pain specialist started me on the duragesic patch....that's changed every 72 hours...you don't get the wave like effect that one does with pills & I was finally able to get that up to the dose that works....it was a struggle & I went through a lot of issues with pain specialists....but now it's wonderful to be functional.....& after having a compression fracture of my back 2 years ago after a fall off a horse......I think the pain medication is working on a lot more than just my migraines.....I kind of wonder if I would even be able to move with all the breaks & messed up body I've had over the years......so to be functional since I'm the only one on my farm & I don't have money to hire help.....I can't imagine being without the medication at this point in my life.....but my pain specialist is closing his practice & I now have to find another one who is willing to continue my treatment I've been on for so many years & is working so well.