I put up a trigger warning, but I really think it's time to come forth and share this with people I can trust. I've shared this before in talk therapy, and in my last 2 intimate relationships, but, I hope it's not too much to be doing so here. Okay...

So when I was 3, my mom decided it was time to convert to my dad's religion. This meant that I would be converted. To convert, I would need to go through a circumcision and ceremony. It turns out the circumcision had already been done in the hospital when I was a baby. So sorry to be a bit descriptive here, but there's no other way around this, but, here's how it happened...

Trigger warning

I remember going through what seemed like a really long time..maybe weeks(?) of preparation. I was 4 so my perception of time was obviously quite different. I remember my parents telling me all about what would happen. "It'll be quick. It won't hurt for very long. And before you know it, it will be all over. Okay?" From what I understand, I had already been circumcised, so the ceremony would only require getting a drop or two of blood (sorry if TMI :/ ).

So, of course, my imagination went all over the place. I asked my mom all kinds of questions and she would basically go through the same reassurance. I was scared. Other times, strangely, I fantasized. I imagined being touched. I was doing my best to make sense and get comfortable with the unknown thing that was going to happen to my most vulnerable part of my body.

Finally, the day came. I remember a crowd of grown-ups smiling and looking at me significantly and intensely as everyone gathered in the hotel room (I know, weird.). Finally, there I was..lying on the bed, stripped of my pants and arms held down. I remember silence and I think I may have left my body for a bit, because I don't remember much in between. It's possible I remember of feeling a bit of a pinch, but, I don't know. Anyway...it went from thick silence to applause. And then it was over.

After that, I remember feeling very ashamed. I felt like I was marked with something really ugly and dirty. Also, I had lots of nightmares. I felt so isolated and like no one would understand me about anything. I had lots of nightmares often filled with visual symbols and variations of mutilation. Sometimes it was projected onto someone else and I'd feel deeply sad for the boy dealing with it. Was this me separating from myself in my dreams? I don't know. I was terrified of getting in trouble or of people getting too close to me. But I was feeling so alone and like I really needed people there to believe me...yes, I'm scared. So yeah, lots of nightmares. It also brought a lot of awareness to my genitals. It was all so confusing. The line between fear and fantasy seemed to get completely blurred.

End of Trigger warning

Thanks for taking a moment to read. I never felt I could really talk with either of my parents. My mother, I'm quite convinced, has strong NPD traits. So sharing any vulnerability that wasn't related to her, has been hard. My father was high-functioning, well respected. But at home, was volatile and after the divorce directed a lot of his physical aggression on the children.

Sorry that was really long. But yes, I've addressed this event in talk therapy and hypnotherapy. If it were the only thing that happened and I grew up steeped in a warm, stable environment, I would probably have been able to get over this. When I think about it, sometimes I still feel consumed with rage and deep shame. How could I have been betrayed and subjected to something so scary? Okay, if you've read this far, thanks But also, I have a question...How would you classify an event like this? To me, it is almost like having been through a rape. I know some people will say..labels don't matter, but to me...something like this...yes, it does matter to me. Maybe it validates the fear..something?

Okay. Thanks again for reading.