Gloria, having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 20+ years myself, I think I can give you some advice but you still have to decide for yourself what is best FOR YOU. I have been married for almost 28 years and it was only five years ago that I figured out exactly what was going on. Abuse is about control and manipulation. There are not two sides to abuse, abuse is an unprovoked attack. You did not do anything to provoke the abuse and you cannot do anything to prevent it. The problem is not a communication or relationship problem (as my husband often told me) it is HIS problem. You have to understand that because it's about control he is probably using many ways to manipulate you that you are not even aware of. You need to understand that you cannot control him either, he will probably be abusive no matter what you do. However, you do not have to take it. Once I figured out what was going on I began leaving (the room, the house, the restaurant whatever) whenever he started name calling, criticizing, yelling etc. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate the abuse any longer. Of course, he denied that the abuse ever occured and when he would admit it, it was always my fault for saying or doing something wrong. Unfortunately, for me, the abuse has not stopped it has only changed forms. Now he restricts my access to money, does not tell me anything about what he is doing, and ignores me for weeks on end. After five years of trying everything I could think of, I have decided to get out. I will be filing for divorce in August after I finish getting my bachelors degree. He is not happy about this but refuses to address the problem. Instead, he just keeps telling me that I do not have Biblical grounds for divorce. While he has been faithful, (as far as I know) he left the marriage years ago. I have finally realized that he does not care about me, all he cares about is his image and his reputation. He is also afraid to be alone.
I would recommend that you begin researching abuse and how abusive relationships work because knowledge is power. Once you understand the game you can become a much better player. Learning to deal with the abuse will help you to figure out if you should stay or leave. By learning to counter his attacks you may be able to get him to see what he is doing and to get help to stop. The best book on the subject, which I highly recommend, is called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She has also written other books, they are all good. Once you read this book you will look at things from an entirely different point of view. Another good book is by Sonya Friedman but I loaned it to someone and I can't remember the name of it. It is something about controlling men. If you go to Borders or a similar store they should be able to look it up for you under the author's name. Sonya's book covers numberous aspects of an abusive relationship beyond just the abuse.
Also, if you have children you need to do what is best for them. If he is abusive (even just verbally) towards them you need to separate from him. The long term damage done to the children by his abuse may never go away and you will be dealing with their issues along with your own. Even if he is not abusive towards the children, they do not need to witness his abuse towards you. At the very least they need to see you stand up for yourself. I would also recommend that you maintain relationships with family and friends because you will need their support regardless of what you decide to do. You also may want to finish your education or get a job in order to have some financial independence. Do not let him dimish who you are; do not buy into his lies. You are special, God made you the way you are. Destruction of a person's spirit should never be part of a loving relationship.
One other thing you may want to look into is whether he may have a personality disorder. My husband has Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder and once I figured this out it explained alot of his behavior. Unfortunately, there is not much help for it, thus the reason I have decided to get out.
Good luck, let me know how it goes.
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