I hardly take part in grief discussions. I've never really asked myself "well isn't that a powerful sign"? I feel anger, I hate anger. I try to rid myself of it as soon as it "gets me".

I don't want to have to feel any of these feelings. why? I'm not sure exactly. I feel I should know but can't quite make it out. Maybe I'm afraid that no one will be able to help me? Afraid that the pain will be so bad and I would ask for help and someone would just look at me and say "sorry there really isn't anything I can do"

Maybe I'm afraid if I feel the anger it will destroy me? Maybe I'm afraid that within the loss, part of me, who I was within that relationship is lost for ever and I will be like a lone surivor at sea. Who am I without that person? AM I still me? How can I take that part back?

Surely that part of me didn't die with her? Did it only feel like it did? Am I griefing for her or for that part of me that once was with her? What is hardest to accept? The fact we will never see them again? or the fact that how we felt with them has also gone?

I don't know, but I know I have some powerful anger. Some powerful fears. I've never considered myself as griefing. Maybe I am? I don't know. I guess to accept grief one must also accept loss and change?? How do we do that?

thanks for reading.