You didn't deserve it. I've suffered years in a completely sexless relationship, arguably my best years too. At the end of 3 year dry spell I had plans to cheat and a willing participant, but I couldn't follow through because I felt like the guilt would be overwhelming. When I realized I couldn't cheat, I immediately told him it was over and I was leaving and why. I was suicidal and depressed, I figured I'd cheat and get to feel what it was like to be wanted for a few nights then kill myself.

Actually just thinking about it now infuriates me, how he could treat me like this for years as I pleaded for any attention. It would be one thing if we fought, but no, he would always say "I'll try, we'll do it tonight, I love you, things will change." Wow, what a lying a-hole, he never did try at all. When I threatened to leave, and it finally was an issue that affected him (i.e. my income would be gone), he decided he would actually try to make a small effort. And progress has been made, but at the slowest possible pace as we now sleep together once every 1-2 weeks but at the same time, in the same place, his eyes closed so tight you'd think I was there to murder him, stopping when I orgasm. He's irritated and too busy whenever I try to talk to him so we never talk either. Otherwise he's great, which has become a bad thing since that's made it infinitely worse.

So no, you didn't deserve it, since I felt too guilty to cheat. But if you want to get over it, I suggest putting yourself in her shoes. Think about what it feels like to be rejected by your own spouse repeatedly for years, and what message that sends despite what you say. Yeah, you've been punishing her, and I'm sure it's been painful and enraging, now it's your turn to feel it. The person that supposedly loves me the most has taken my sexual identity, **** all over it, and left me with masturbation as my only means of filling a need that is inherently human. I feel like it's an abomination to let this body go to waste, but the correct way to do it is via honesty, separation and divorce, not cheating. Still hope I get hit head on as I drive to work tomorrow.