Hi all, I'm Adrian (24) and I've just joined the group.

For the past two years or so, my life has slowly been going downhill. I'm a student busy with a master's degree, but I'm so demotivated already that it is hard for me to do anything at all. All the passions I had in life are gone, I have zero friends, and all the people I have reached out to want to know nothing of me. A month or so ago, I went to a therapist and finally told someone about what was going on in my life. I found the lady very understanding and friendly, but the solution she suggested is something I've realised myself.

My depression has been coming my whole life, but has only really surfaced (in my mind) over the last two years. The problem that started everything is that I have been manipulated and dominated by other older people my whole life, especially the male folk. They were so critical over everything I did and always made me feel useless and not man enough. Then, at school, when I was about 8, I was not only bullied by the other children, but by one of the teachers as well, every day of my life for a whole year. Her specialty was threatening me daily and failing me on almost all of my tests for no good reason, even if I had full marks. Up to this point I was healthy, lean, fit and a happy child, despite alcohol and domestic abuse at home between my parents. I became really unhappy and found refuge in junk foods such as chocolates, bread, cakes, chips and confectionaries and gained a lot of weight, which I have now been saddled with for about 15-16 years. I had no friends at school my whole life and not to mention, I've never had a girlfriend. Somehow though, I was always good academically and made it into university. I was still lonely and overweight, but I began to grow up and it finally felt as though I was going to change my life. I even made a few friends. Then, one day, I ran into a girl from school who I had hoped not to see again, as she used to play flirting games with me at school to make a fool of me in front of everyone. She started her stuff again, but this time pretended she wanted me to kiss her or something and as she lured me in, she shoved me away and left me right there. Afterwards, she would see me in public and aggressively turn her head in disgust in front of her friends, probably telling them how much of a loser and perv I am. This finally castrated me for good. A few years later, I met a fantastic girl and she really grew on me. I fell so in love with her and I began to feel that she might be the love of my life. But, because I was in the place I was in my life, she hardly noticed me and only spoke to me as a friend, and about two years ago we parted ways and I have never seen her again. I had her email and number though, and about a year ago I scraped enough courage together to tell her how I felt - big mistake. She was so grossed out and disgusted, that she has never made contact ever since. This really broke my heart as I truly loved her. But, I can imagine what it must be like to receive attention from someone gross like me.

After all this I finally realised that the only way to get out of this is to run away from the place I live now, out under the manipulation and domination that still continues to this day. But, I have a dilemma, because the people who have controlled me have stripped me of any sort of independence whatsoever, so if I leave it is going to be on foot and with absolutely zero money. I can't decide what to do - if I stay I'll never be happy but I'll have something to eat and a bed, if I leave I'll have nothing, but I'll have a chance at being happy maybe in my life and finally maybe losing weight.

I'm very sorry for taking up the time of everyone here with a length whine about my life, but I really did not have anybody else to talk to. I hope everybody here finds the happiness they seek, because you deserve it.

I really just want to thank everyone for listening.
Adrian