I am obsessed with perfectionism, but I cannot call myself a perfections. That would only get me ridicule and condemnation. "You? But you're a loser who doesn't do anything." Believe me, I know I am not good enough to be a perfectionist. But I wish I were.

I read so many books and articles about perfectionists: girls who do everything well. They seem to have wonderful lives. Everyone thinks they are wonderful people and they deserve good things. They never have anyone look at them with disgust or disapproval or call them stupid or lazy.

I want a life like that. I want to have the confidence and opportunities that they have. I hate being the only student in my class who doesn't understand what's going on. I hate having everyone reminding me that I'm never going to have the things that other people have, because I'm not trying hard enough. I want to deserve to be liked and respected. I want to know that I deserve to be liked and respected like the perfectionists do.

I know it sounds like I'm over romanticizing, that perfectionists' lives aren't that wonderful. I just find it hard to believe. Their lives may not be perfect, but I'm sure that theirs are better than mine. I don't hold it against them. It's not their fault they made smarter choices than I had.

Maybe I'll come to terms with this someday. That's my only choice at this point.