I just wish there was someway I could change the way I am. I know there are some people in my situation who prefered to be studying something else. But my sister is allways saying that you learn to like this profession. And I guess it is somehow true. There are so many people that choose this career just because they have good grades in high school, and even if they are into something else, they learn to like beeing here. I think I am in a position I woudn't like anything. Why moving to something different, starting again, if you would be unhappy anyway. If you would feel you don't like anything you study.
Other people allways seem to have goals in their life, to want something and to like something. Everyone as an ideia of what speciality they want to get after they finish med school. I don't, and the way I am, I will never know. I just don't have a porpuse in my life, the only thing I hope in my life is that the next step goes by quickly. When something start I do what it is needed for it to end, and I don't enjoy the between and maybe I should.
My life is terrible, sometimes I wonder if it is real, but I forget everything so fast, like I have never lived. I wonder if I am alive. I don't know. Sorry for bother you about my stuff. It is all very confusing to me, I don't know what opinion to take about life, about people. I guess the only thing that helps with me is sleeping and watching series. Because when I do that I forget my problems quicker. I almost have no problems when I do that, but I also have no responsabilities and no goals to achieve. If I could I would keep my life this way rather than doing something. But I have constantly to move on. The only thing that is going in my life is the study, when summer vacations come I spend my days literaly doing nothing. But my mother teached to allways be the best at school, when I am I have some hapyness, when I am not I feel the dumbest person on earth. So dispite I am allways tired I do my best to be the best. My memory is the worst, I can't think straight, I never like anything I study, but I push myself even I can't focus or spent as much time as the others doing this. Grades are the only thing I have and everytime I have some test I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders I feel like I will fail. My life is full of stress that no one else understand. I sometimes think the best for me is to run away from the life I have, grab a bag with my clothes and go away. But I know I would end up starving because I would not have the energy to keep a job and having I job means interact with people wich gives a lot of stress. I just know I have no way out. I even don't know if went to be an engineer I would have the brains to be smart and solve the problems. In med school you just have to memorize things (hate it) but I doubt if I am still smart enough to go through something that need you to think. I should have done something early, but I just can act when life forces me to do otherway I let things go...I'm weak.