**Warning, I know this would trigger me, but it's bursting inside me so please be careful I don't want to trigger you **

Is it normal that, years later, you still crave being abused.

I know I hate it most days, hate that it happened to me, don't want to remember - sometimes don't remember it did, don't want to talk about it and just deny it every happened.

But then whenever I'm triggered I get into this cycle where all I want is to be beaten or raped or even just touched by someone who shouldn't be doing that because I feel like that's what I deserve that's what I'm good for and that's all that's going to make me feel better.

I've been trying really hard not to do this, but before I broke up with my ex whenever I was feeling like that I would twist a situation and pretend to be okay and ask to do an RP, or BDSM sex or something, or I would just get into a fight with him for the make up sex to make myself feel better, but then fall asleep crying.

I'm trying so hard not to do that with the guy I'm seeing right now, but I'm in that place and I don't know what to do. I have to stop myself from going out looking like a slut to shifty clubs so I don't get myself in trouble, because deep down I feel like I NEED to be hurt that way.

And I feel like I'm betraying anyone who's ever been through that stuff by feeling like that so what I really want to know is, is that reaction normal?