Hello Switch-

I have to start by saying that I have no idea what "normal" is as it applies to anything. I will say that I think what you are feeling is understandable and I have to thank you for being open about these thoughts and feelings. I was abused as a child and included in that was sexual molestation-a family member. I was also raped when I was 17. I think for me I came to be very confused about love/pain (physical and mental)/shame/sex/desire-all of these things, and others, became all mixed up into one feeling and hard to separate. I also came to believe that my worth was as an object to be used by someone for whatever they wanted at any given moment. I came to believe that if I was useful as an object for someone's pleasure, maybe they would want to be around me and maybe even love me. I think that for some people who were abused and traumatized, as you were, the aspects of that trauma can become confused and intertwined with other experiences and feelings that are just healthy and positive aspects of people's lives-such as being in a mutual and loving sexual relationship. I hope I'm making some sense-this is a very hard subject-as you know-and it brings up a lot of painful stuff. Mostly I want to say that I can empathize with what you described and my heart breaks that you were traumatized. I am sorry that this happened to you and you did NOT deserve it. You deserve only to be treated with caring respect. You deserve love and kindness and warmth. You certainly do not ever deserve to be traumatized again. I wish you all the best.